Biblical humor...

It doesn't hurt to have a little Biblical humor to start the day....

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.



Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.








Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out aLittle prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumphwas heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostleswere all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?

A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?

A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?

A. David, He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?

A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?

A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.

PS... Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?

Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . 'He-brews'

KEEP SMILING!!!! GOD LOVES YOU BUNCHES AND! BUNCHES!!!!

Friends are God's way of taking care of us.

...Faith, Hope & Love -- but the greatest of these is love.

Now I understand

Creation
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.
"The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.
"The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.
"But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay ?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you...

May the loving hand of the Lord Jesus be upon you.

The Lord's Hand

Isaiah 49:15-16
Can a mother forget the baby at her breast

and have no compassion on the child she has borne?

Though she may forget,

I will not forget you!
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.
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Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
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Ezra 8:22
The gracious hand of our God is on everyone who looks to him...
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Isaiah 26:3-4
You will keep in perfect peace

him whose mind is steadfast,

because he trusts in you.
Trust in the LORD forever,

for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.
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Psalm 94:18-19
When I said,
"My foot is slipping,"
Your love, O LORD, supported me.
When anxiety was great within me,
Your consolation brought joy to my soul.

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Lamentations 3:22-23

Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed,

Because His compassions fail not.
They are new every morning;

Great is Your faithfulness.
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Psalm 90:14
Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,
that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.

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A LOVELY MAIL - FROM JESUS

If you never felt pain, Then how would you know that I am a Healer?

If you never had to pray, How would you know that I am a Deliverer?

If you never had a trial, How could you call yourself an overcomer?

If you never felt sadness, How would you know that I am a Comforter?

If you never made a mistake, How would you know that I am a forgiver?

If you knew all, How would you know that I will answer your questions?

If you never were in trouble, How would you know that I will come to your rescue?

If you never were broken, Then how would you know that I can make you whole?

If you never had a problem, How would you know that I can solve them?

If you never had any suffering, Then how would you know what I went through?

If you never went through the fire, Then how would you become pure?

If I gave you all things, How would you appreciate them?

If I never corrected you, How would you know that I love you?

If you had all power, Then how would you learn to depend on me?

If your life was perfect, Then what would you need me for?

With Love,

Jesus

The Holy Alphabet - THIS IS AWESOME

This is the best..... The Holy Alphabet... This is Beautiful

Whoever came up with this one must have had some Divine guidance!

Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
Joy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of 'Camp Complaining'
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To 'thank' is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
Xalting God most high
Yes, there'll be good times and yes some will be bad, but ...
Zion waits in glory ... where none are ever sad!

'I am Too blessed to be stressed!' The shortest distance between a problem and a solution is the distance between your knees and the floor.

The one who kneels to the Lord can stand up to anything. Love and peace be with you forever, Amen.

INCREDIBLE PHOTO!

An amazing picture became a message of faith in Spain. This was taken at the baptism of Valentino Mora, son of Erica, a single mom of 21 who asked the photographer to take a picture of her son for free.

The photo of the baptism of Valentino Mora is sweeping the Internet, because at the time the priest pours the Holy water over his head, the water flows in the shape of a rosary (see photo below).

This story began at the Parish of the Assumption of Our Lady in Cordova, Spain, where the baptism of a one month baby took place. At the time that Valentino came to the baptismal font for the sacrament of baptism, Erica asked the photographer Maria Silvana Salles, who was hired by other parents baptizing their babies, to take a photo of her son as a favor, since the young mother had no way of paying for it. The photographer, moved by Erica's request, agreed to take a photo of Valentino.

Maria Silvana works with a traditional camera and had to send the film to be developed to a shop in Cordova. When she received the photos, she noticed with surprise that the water poured from the head of Valentino was a perfect rosary.

The photo of the baptism of Valentino has awakened faith in the people of Cordova who come to the humble home of Erica and Valentino Mora to touch him.

The truth is that this sign of faith has mobilized this town in Cordova, whose neighbors go to Maria Silvana's store to buy the picture as if it were a prayer card.

The Ant And The Contact Lens

The Ant and the Contact Lense: a true story

Brenda was almost halfway to the top of the tremendous granite cliff. She was standing on a ledge where she was taking a breather during this, her first rock climb. As she rested there, the safety rope snapped against her eye and knocked out hercontact lens . 'Great', she thought. 'Here I am on a rock ledge, hundreds of feet from the bottom and hundreds of feet to the top of this cliff, and now my sight is blurry.' She looked and looked, hoping that somehow it had landed on the ledge. But it just wasn't there.
She felt the panic rising in her, so she began praying. She prayed for calm, and she prayed that she may find her contact lens.
When she got to the top, a friend examined her eye and her clothing for the lens, but it was not to be found. Although she was calm now that she was at the top, she was saddened because she could not clearly see across the range of mountains. She thought of the bible verse 'The eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth.'
She thought, 'Lord, You can see all these mountains. You know every stone and leaf, and You know exactly where my contact lens is. Please help me.'
Later, when they had hiked down the trail to the bottom of the cliff they met another party of climbers just starting up the face of the cliff. One of them shouted out, 'Hey, you guys! Anybody lose a contact lens?'
Well, that would be startling enough, but you know why the climber saw it? An ant was moving slowly across a twig on the face of the rock, carrying it!
The story doesn't end there.. Brenda's father is a cartoonist. When she told him the incredible story of the ant, the prayer, and the contact lens, he drew a cartoon of an ant lugging that contact lens with the caption, 'Lord, I don't know why You want me to carry this thing. I can't eat it, and it's awfully heavy. But if this is what You want me to do, I'll carry it for You.'
I think it would do all of us some good to say, 'God, I don't know why You want me to carry this load. I can see no good in it and it's awfully heavy. But, if You want me to carry it, I will.'
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
Yes, I do love GOD. He is my source of existence and my Savior. He keeps me functioning each and every day Without Him, I am nothing, but with Him... I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me. (Phil. 4:13)

A Friendship Blessing

May you be blessed with good friends
May you learn to be a good friend to yourself.
May you be able to journey to that place in your soul where there is great love, warmth, feeling, and forgiveness.
May this change you.
May it transfigure that which is negative, distant, or cold in you.
May you be brought in to the real passion, kinship. and affinity of belonging.
May you treasure your friends and family
May you be good to them and may you be there for them;
May they bring you all the blessings, challenges, truth, and light that you need for your journey. May you never be isolated.
May you always be in the gentle nest of belonging with your anam cara. (soul friend)
Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom

God Bless You

Dear Lord,

Every single evening

As I'm lying here in bed,

This tiny little Prayer

Keeps running through my head:

God bless all my family

Wherever they may be,

Keep them warm

And safe from harm

For they're so close to me.

And God, there is one more thing

I wish that you could do;

Hope you don't mind me asking,

Please bless my computer too.

Now I know that it's unusual

To Bless a motherboard,

But listen just a second

While I explain it to you, Lord.

You see, that little metal box

Holds more than odds and ends;

Inside those small compartments

Rest so many of my friends.

I know so much about them

By the kindness that they give,

And this little scrap of metal

Takes me in to where they live.

By faith is how I know them

Much the same as you.

We share in what life brings us

nd from that our friendships grew.

Please take an extra minute

From your duties up above,

To bless those in my address book

That's filled with so much love.

Wherever else this prayer may reach

To each and every friend,

Bless each e-mail inbox

And each person who hits 'send'.

When you update your Heavenly list

On your own Great CD-ROM,

Bless everyone who says this prayer.

Amen